Nielen jeleň

Today I have continued with discovering new music and I have found other great bands from UK or US. I have talked with one band from Maryland about possibility of releasing their album on tape and they were down to do that. I want to focus more on starting my own tape label from EU and trying set things up for first possible releases. Though I want to record firstly some of my mixtapes and sell them to have some money to start doing other tapes. I still do not know the name for tape label, but I have some ideas. You can send my yours. I was sleeping till late afternoon, because I went to bed pretty lately. I was also skypeing with my friend Martin and I have realized I miss him so much as well as my family back home. We are both looking forward going home, but he will be able to make it during Easter holidays. Also my other friend is going back home from UK in April, but I will not meet her, because she is leaving Slovakia before I will get back home. I wish I was planning my trip home more properly and asked my friends, whether they are not planning to go back home. Whatever. I am thinking about quitting this diary, since there is less and less to write about. My life is not worth of diary and I am not liking doing it anymore. 

Before writing this post I was reading my yesterday entry and I was smiling, because I was in kind of depressive mood yesterday. But today is everything different. Despite the fact I was working for 11 hours and have been awake from 4:30, I feel really great right now. The shift went ok, nothing special, but I have started doing this evening something I had to do a long time before. I start to dig more UK music and local bands. I have found many of them, which are really great and, moreover, they are having shows in London and some of them are free. I am so excited about that and finally feel that my discovering is becoming something real. I will try to find as many good shows as I can and attend some of them. I have also find some local (UK) DIY labels, which are releasing good music. I have finally a lot of things to listen and dig and explore and I am excited about that. In addition, I have started a surf tumblr blog: http://surfdeath.tumblr.com/. I envy my sister her skate blog, so I have started my own. However, I will probably delete it because I want to give more time to my music blogs and not to another tumblr blog. Though I want to learn to surf one day, maybe I will try that when I will be in US. Also I have started writing a letter for my good friend, which I was planning to write for a long time. I know answer on my yesterday question from the end of entry. I have to just start doing thing I really like and be more myself. I am hunter, who is still hungry for new music. I have to go deeper and deeper into it, but not just by writing about it. I needed an evening like this to get kicked and moved from sad depressive mood. Even the long and hard days can turn into great ones, if you give them chance. 

“Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.”― Mark Twain

Days are passing by and I am still not having special time here. Just working and sleeping. I know I will not be able to live such life for longer time. When I am imagining my future, I am sure I do not want to end up just working and living boring life. My life looks like that right now. Maybe I am doing wrong decisions here and not enjoying the city fully. Yesterday I talked with my flatmate from German, who has just decided to quit her school. She told me she is seeing no point of doing it and she would rather do something else or just work. We also talked about London and people and she confirmed me that people here are kind of boring. She was studying graphic design and she sees all art students as pretentious. I have similar impression from London since everything looks cool, but it misses the content. Maybe all this is my fault and I am doing something wrong, but others have similar impressions about people here. I am not sure what to do right now to change it, but I will try to fix it somehow. Maybe I will be just glad to get back home and hang out with friends there. I hope I am having wrong impression here and everything will be different, but I do not know where to start. Do you?

I have bought flight tickets to Slovakia for an April and I will spend a week back home. I was the thinking that I will be home at Easter, but I have mistaken the dates of my flights, so I will be home later. I am still looking forward that and I will be happy to be home for even longer as I was originally planning. I hope I will also meet some my friends before I get back to London. My day was ok, but really tiring, because I was working for nine hours in two different Starbucks stores. The second shift was not planned, but I was glad that I have got some extra hours. I have already worked in other four different stores, but my home store is till the best one. The partners in other stores are kind of weird and there is not so much fun. I have also met a girl from Slovakia, who is also working for Starbucks. She has been in London for four years already and she has been working for two years for Starbucks. However I have realized I am tired of talking to people about myself, because I am answering always the same questions. I am really tired writing this post and I am working tomorrow in the morning. I have got some sleep and be able to work properly. The featured photo was taken in store I was working today and I am still laughing at it. I love to take such photos, because they remind me of all hopeless people (even from tumblr), for who I feel really sorry. I have also realized that I am so slim and I should get some weight, but I have not find a way how to do that so far. My metabolism is working against my plan and there is no point of trying to get some weight. Waste of time and money.

When I woke up today, I thought I will write here just: “NOTHING TO SAY”, but when I got back home I was smiling for no specific reason. I was just happy to be home and that I have a little bit boring, but pretty good shift. I was not in bad mood and the sadness from yesterday was gone. Though I am still kind of sad, but this is because I will forever miss someone close to me. I learned how to live with this feeling, but sometimes it strikes me so hard and I cannot do anything about that. I thought I gave up dreaming about some perfect girl for me, but I still think that there is someone waiting for me. Maybe I have already met her, but I do not know who it is. But I am writing too much about this topic, however, there are no others available for me right now. My days are focused around work and being home and resting. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe this type of living is boring, but I am not bored of myself and my life. Sometimes I have problems to deal with everything here and I am always complaining, but I am happy right now. I have more things than I deserve and I think someone up there really likes me. I hope you are not bored of my diary, because there is less interesting stuff for you. It is becoming more personal diary than the one related to my London life, but all things are connected. Today I have chosen my favorite lomo photo of our cat called “Mrňe”. One friend posted picture of his cat, who is probably dying and it reminded me of our Mrňe, who is immortal I think. She survived a car accident and still frequently visit our porch to get some food. You know cats. Everything they are concerning about is just a food. Like me. 

I will be going home for Easter. I am really happy about that, but I firstly need to buy some flight ticket. I will probably stay in Slovakia less than week, but I will enjoy it so much and I am looking forward seeing my whole family and I think they are happy about it too. I miss here someone really close to me. I wish I will find at some point some girl I will really like. I was watching Perks of Being a Wallflower again and I felt so sad. Sometimes I envy characters in films and I am wanting to swap my life with them. My life is full of dreams, which I am trying to reach, but sometimes they seem so far away from me. Some of them have been already fulfilled, but there is still a lot of them I want to come true. Though my life here is without any dreams and I am not happy about that. I have realized I have no aims in London and I am not able to set up any. I miss the whole point of being here, but I want to stay here until summer. Maybe I am thinking too much about everything and I should care less, but this is the real side of me. I do not know. My head is full of thoughts and questions, which have no answers. Not yet. As I promised I have put some photos to my other blog from Clinic’s show at Corsica Studios in London: http://starttracker.tumblr.com/post/45143232236/clinic-corsica-studios-london-uk At least music is saving my days from being total disasters. Just music.

It’s really hard to get out of bed, when you know you can stay there as long as you want. I have no special powers to force myself out of bed on Sundays. I just want to sleep and sleep as on Saturday. Maybe I can start calling my Sunday ironically Funday, because my day was exact opposite of fun day. I was just cleaning kitchen, skypeing with my sister, my mum and finally with my brother. They were telling that my dad is finally going home from hospital, so things are getting slowly better. My brother was also telling me more about the ski trip in Austria. I hope I will not miss it next year, because winter without skiing is worthless winter. I wish my winter was different this year. I also told my brother that audience on shows is quite older than me and I am surprised and also sad about that. I wish I could make friends there, but it is impossible to make friends with someone who is more than 10-15 years older than me. I feel little bit an outsider in clubs, but at least the bands are playing wonderfully. I wish I could afford to go to more shows, but it will hopefully change soon. My staying here is full of wishes, which are not still fulfilled, but I am not doing all I can. I suppose I am too lazy. Whatever.

F.

Working in morning is always tiring for me and especially in days like this one, when we have just few customers. You get bored really quickly and I do not like when I am get bored. I feel always sleepy at work, when there is no fun or there are not customers at all. But weekends are always the same and I prefer to work during weekdays. In the afternoon I was playing LoL with my brother and then sleeping till late evening, because I was still tired from the morning. My siblings have returned from skiing trip and I will skype with them tomorrow, when they will tell me all about it. I did not do anything special today, but it was fine day. My weekends are mostly about resting after whole week. I still feel I lack a lot of energy, but I cannot find a way how to get it. Maybe I just need to do some sports to keep myself stronger, but I am too tired to do something like sports. It is a vicious circle. Last picture is my favorite book in special edition with nice special cover. The ones who have read it will understand its meaning. I think everyone should read this book.

F.

Today was a weird day. I cannot say it was bad, but it was not a good day at all. Working in Starbucks was not so special and I was not enjoying it a lot. I was tired, mainly from yesterday and I wanted to be somewhere else. After I went home I made some food and then slept for couple of hours. I have done nothing special, just resting and playing my favorite pc game League of Legends, in which I am pretty good. I have some friends to play it with, so it is always fun. I am also watching its championship between teams from different parts of world. I really like it and it is fun to watch it, much better then seeing some normal sport match. Live streaming is going on each week, so I have always something to watch. Despite my day was not so special, I have still good mood because of yesterday and awesome show performed by Clinic. I hope I will see them again, maybe they will play another show in London. I have realized there are no “big” bands I want to see anymore. I want to see playing just bands from my blog, but most of them are not touring in Europe. Thus I hope I will be able to go to the States and see them playing live there. Today I have chosen my favorite photo which I am also using as wallpaper on my laptop. It’s my sister Christine together with our trashy skateboard. I miss her so much and I will do my best to see her soon. She is the best girl I have ever known. 

F.

CLINIC. A band I was wanting to see for many many years and today was the Day. But I want to start from the beginning. I had an afternoon shift, so I stayed in bed a little bit longer, then I took a good shower and shaved myself. My hair are so long and even beard was awful, so at least something looks fine. Afterwards I went as usually to Starbucks to fulfill my duty. It went pretty well, but I was more excited about the show in the evening. After my shift I stayed in cafe and read a book on my kindle. Then I went for a walk towards my final destination - club called Corsica Studios. I had to wait a lot until my favorites were playing. There was also a support band called Mugstar. They were playing really long songs, kind of noise rock. Some of the were good, some of them boring. They played 6 songs for more than 40 minutes, it was exhausting. But finally came the moment and I saw Clinic coming on the stage. They were wearing as usually doctor’s suits and masks. I have known almost every song they were playing, so I was enjoying it even more. They were playing just amazingly and I still cannot believe I have seen them today. I will later write a report on my other tumblr blog with more photos. I need to process whole show and be able to put it into proper words. I am just happy and I feel this will be the best show which I will be seeing in London. I like moments when I am unable to express what I feel. I am just happy and I hope this will continue at least for few days. I am sorry there is no more from my day, but sometimes it is better not to spoil it with words.

F.

Today was a rest day. I had a day off from the work, so I have used it for a longer sleep. I feel always tired, so I use my free time to get some sleep, because I am always going to bed so late. Mainly reason are my music friends, which are living on the other side of the ocean. Sometime there is a live show in radio, which I have to hear, so I stay awake not to miss it. This day was not special, but I finally skyped with my mum. We talked about my life and all things connected to it. On the other hand, she was telling me about news from home, about my father, who had an operation of his leg and other stuff. I am so glad I have heard from her. I miss her as much as I miss my whole family. My siblings are now skiing in Austria and I envy them little bit. Skiing is my favorite sport and I hope I will live in country where will be possible to ski. Thus United Kingdom is useless country for me, because there are not good ski spots here. Living in Slovakia is much better, because going to Austria for skiing is not a problem. My aunt was writing me today that I seem not to be satisfied here and she also asked me what is the point of spending my free time by discovering and living virtual life. I truly do not know answer to this question and I am not happy about that. She was also telling to come home for a visit. I am starting to feel like I belong home not here, but I will stay here until summer as my original plan was. I hope my staying here will at least give me some experience I will be able to use later in my life. I am kind of looking forward going home thought. I like it there, but unfortunately it is even harder to live there as in London. At the end I have got finally my ticket for DIIV, who will be playing in London on 25 May. That show will be amazing and I am so excited about that. At least music is balancing my life here, because without it I would be bored. 

F.